Quickfail

Dear Kim Kardashian:

I didn't want to like you, but you managed to win me over with your unexpected sweetness and willingness to answer almost any question. And I must say that current boyfriend Reggie Bush is a vast improvement over your ex, Ray-J, whose popularity with the ladies continues to baffle me.

What really impressed me was your interview with Muscle & Fitness Hers. You came across like a normal woman who has worked hard to get in shape and stay there. Your frustration with the wafer-thin beauty standard in L.A. was palpable, and I like how you are representing for women who are not shaped like 12-year-old boys — all while working hard in the gym to keep the junk in the trunk from overflowing. Heck, I was inspired. I told my friend H. that I was going to keep you in mind when that last running interval/Arnold press/lunge seemed too difficult to complete.

But then you and your sister Khloe cooked up some weight-loss product called Quicktrim, a "cleanse" that you plan to market and sell. First, there's that name. Why perpetuate the lie that body transformation is a quick and easy process? The last thing people need is more sketchy information and false hope about permanent weight loss. And you must know that, somewhere in the back of their minds, the women who plan to buy this stuff are hoping that it will make their bodies look like yours — fine print, be damned.

Judging from the reaction from fitness-loving types, this hasn't exactly bolstered your credibility. (Although you are a long, long way from "fat," the last resort of haters.) That's too bad, because it was refreshing to hear some real talk about nutrition and exercise from someone who appeared to be in the trenches with the rest of us — that is, if we were rich and worked out with Gunnar Peterson. You know what I mean.

Still, Reggie Bush? Major upgrade.

Sincerely,
EDP

House of WTF?

Dear Beyonce:

I think you’re a peach, so just know that this comes from a place of affection: Please stop letting your mother, Tina, dress you.

Here’s what some of my friends said about your Oscar night dress, which came from your very own House of Dereon:

“Wow, was it ever ugly.”

“The fact that she didn't wear any jewelry didn't help the fact that the fabric looked like Tina got it from a 1978 Cordoba.”

“It makes her look like she has eight legs.”

“B. is gonna have to have that come to Jesus talk with her mama sooner rather than later.”

I mean, the New York Times said that tight, black and gold mermaid number made you look like “a Czech vase.” It takes a special kind of talent to dress a beautiful woman so badly.

It is sweet and generous of you to let your mom ride your coattails and fulfill her dream of being a “fashion designer,” with you as a muse. But I’m hardly the first (or the thousandth) to point out that Tina’s clothes have some … issues. Back in your Destiny’s Child days, there were a lot of Tina-induced misfires like this. And this. And this.

When you guys finally turned up wearing clothes from designers like Roberto Cavalli, armchair fashion editors rejoiced.

On the bright side, some House of Dereon gowns are quite pretty: the pistachio, one-shoulder gown and the red crepe cross-front gown looked good on the Web site. Unfortunately, others resembled prom dresses.

You’re young, famous and filthy rich, and you obviously care about style. I’m sure other designers are tripping all over themselves to dress you. Maybe it’s time to have a talk with Mom about finding another muse/mannequin. I think you’ve done more than enough.

Best,
EDP

Dear T.I.: Soccer Moms Dig You, Too

Dear T.I.,

As a responsible taxpayer over the age of 35, I've talked a good game about how modern hip-hop is in the toilet and young rappers have no sense of social responsibility. I'm sure you're all too familiar with this particular rant. People my age are fond of saying things like, "Well, they're no De la Soul," and let's face it – as a soccer mom, I'm not exactly in your target audience.

But here's the thing: I downright love some of your songs: "Rubber Band Man," "Bring 'Em Out" and "You Don't Know Me" were high on my playlist, right up there with The Kinks and Jill Sobule. When you pronounced yourself "wild as the Taliban," I saluted your clever wordplay.

Then you had to go and get sentenced to a year in jail on weapons charges. Machine guns? I figured our little flirtation was done, and I moved on to Lupe Fiasco. It just wasn't the same.

Lo and behold, you did it again. "Paper Trail," with its mixture of wildly un-P.C. rhymes and catchy beats, has found its way onto my iPod — and it's giving my mopey British bands of choice a run for their money. First it was the recession-be-damned booty song "Whatever You Like." Then it was star-studded "Swagger Like Us." M.I.A.! Jay-Z! Kanye! Weezy! But you really outdid yourself with "Dead and Gone" feat. Justin Timberlake. That song is mega-dope, and it speaks to me when I'm driving my station wagon to Publix (without the kids, of course):

Ever had one of them days you wish woulda stayed home?
Run into a group of n****s, getting their hate on?
You walk by. They get wrong. You reply, then s**t get blown
Way outta proportion, way past discussion
Just you against them, pick one, then rush 'em ...

The video is pretty nifty, too. Who knew Justin's cred would last this long?

Anyway, I hope having a few twinset-wearing fans isn't too bad for your image. Good luck this next year, and I'm sure you'll emerge with lots of material for your next CD.

Sincerely,
EDP